Thursday, August 17, 2017

NOW THAT YOU ARE A PRIVATE CITIZEN


Darling Buhari,

I was overjoyed at the recent ceremony on national television where you were crowned and declared a private citizen. This is the first step I think, to getting our healthy relationship back. There is nothing that destroys a relationship like third parties sticking their stupid noses in matters that don't concern them. Like your health or how much you are spending on your treatment or who is paying for your plane parked in London. First of all, your state of health is just between the both of us partners. It is my business whether or not you will be ready for the other room when you return. Or what exactly is wrong with you right now. Are they the ones who will boil hot water for you to take a bath? Or make miyan kuka for you? Also, about the plane, do they expect you to trek back from London? I don't understand these nosy people. At least now that that woman with the red eyes has done the needful, we can dispense with these silly inquiries about your state of health. 

I also hear some people have been protesting with the hashtag #ReturnOrResign. Imagine the effrontery. Return where? Are you not at home in Abuja House? As if you owe them anything. Are you their father? Even I who is your darling has not asked you to resign or return. In fact, I think we should promote the Inspector General of Police who sprayed teargas on them and chased them away. But even better he deserves a promotion for escorting those we paid to organise a counter protest to say how much we love you. This, after all, is what the police ought to be doing. Not dangerous things like kidnappers and crime. We need our policemen and women alive and healthy to guard you when you return. No point going after dangerous criminals. Especially kidnappers who aren't killing anybody. Sometimes wealth needs to be redistributed by unconventional means such as ransom payments. 

I read this terrible article saying that under your regime freedom of speech has suffered. I know they are making reference to a few governors who are addicted to Facebook and Twitter and get upset easily when they see something they don't like, including that short one with the burnt lips. Terrible article. I think we should just ban that phrase freedom of speech. Because it is not like the people who love you stop anybody from talking. They just don't like hearing a few things. So people can spend their time talking about useful things, like God or salvation or jollof rice. Not your health, or state-sponsored violence or discrimination or bigotry. What is the use in talking about these things and annoying people? Especially short people. Me I don't like annoying anyone so no one tried to stop my freedom of speech. I only write mostly about how much I love you. And if more people wrote about love instead of equal rights or development or being against police brutality, the nation would be a more peaceful place. 

One of your houseboys said a few days ago that "Media should be positively critical, media should be responsible." I love the term positively critical.  If you allow me darling I will define what this means so that no one in media will get it twisted. Because it is important for the media to be on board with this. Positively critical means that it is critical to be positive. So, before anyone asks where you are or how much your medical bills are or why you won't resign, they must say something positive. Like how much they love you. Like how amazing you are. Like how you are our life leader. Things like that. By the time they are done expressing their love for you, they will likely find that there is no space for any criticism. Because no one criticises the one they love. That is why darling, you can do no wrong in my eyes. 

Ps. Darling, my weekly reminder: The Shiite man whose children and followers we massacred and buried in mass graves. I think it is time to release him. I know you are busy taking vitamins to help you love me better when you return but please think of it. We have hurt the man enough. Let us release him and his wife and the rest that your worker Dick-Tai still has in his custody. It is only fair. 

I love you more than Jollof rice. 


Yours always,
E.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

HIGH SPIRITS AND SOFT DRINKS

Dearest Buhari, 

Glory to God in the highest. Your deputy just texted me to say you are in high spirits. I have changed the sheets in anticipation. In fact, your high spirits have made my own spirits high and I am busy whistling, removing cobwebs, washing curtains, writing down the names of people who have already been making moves to replace you, including those who leaked letters they sent to you so they can appear like smart people.  

I am glad the floods have abated around the country. I would hate to have to pick you up in a boat, not because I don't like swimming or boats, but I am not sure what type of boat you would like and all. We should talk about this when you return. But you know what I think? Just like the meningitis outbreak in Zamfara was a visitation of God (I trust the Governor’s opinion on this), the flood, especially in Lagos was connected to people’s attitudes. I know people say ignorant things like the Governor should have worked on a drainage system that works for Nigeria’s most important commercial city that his response should have been better, but I believe him when blames the flooding and lack of infrastructure on people who don't pay tax. I suspect the flood is not just about people not paying tax but also, with the number of hotels in Lagos, it must be connected to fornication. I remember staying in a hotel and hearing noises coming from a room. And I thought: God is going to flood this city one day. People really need to stop committing fornication whether in Zamfara or Lagos. 

You won't believe what Sahara Reporters said about your meeting with your deputy. They said he was with you for only 5 minutes and that all you guys did was exchange pleasantries. I know they did it to make people think you can hardly talk and are unfit to run this house and all but I was even happy when they reported that. For a few reasons. First off, it showed me you are faithful to me. You refuse to spend too much time with another person when you can't spend time with me. Next, really, most meetings can be compressed into 5 minutes. Nigerians just like long stories. Ask a Nigerian to convene a meeting he will begin by giving a silly opening remark about how he is very happy to be there and all the people who made it possible and how the event almost didn't happen. Then during comments, he will begin by thanking the organisers for organising the program then thanking them for inviting him then thanking the anchor for calling on him to speak. Then he will say he doesn't want to take too much of the time and will be brief. At this point, he will launch into a full speech. If we cut out all of this nonsense, meetings will last only 5 minutes. And finally when they said all you did was exchange pleasantries did they expect you to exchange hateful words? Why are people enemies of peace and progress? Can’t they just be happy for you? 

So I see that Boko Haram is showing up again even though your army has technically defeated it without quite eradicating it. I don't know why Boko Haram will not accept that you have technically defeated them? Is it by force? Why can’t they just respect these declarations that our army make? Anyway, they can keep trying to bomb and we will keep declaring them defeated. 

My darling I just read this new report which says that soft drinks lead to erectile dysfunction and I really got scared. I hope you are not drinking Coke or Fanta fa! Ba na son wahala. Life is too short to have ED. I am not saying you should start taking hot drinks, I am just saying be careful. We can organise someone to export Fura or Kunu to London. After all, we are already paying thousands of pounds every day to maintain you and your presidential jet which I am happy is parked in the UK just in case you need to come and see me very quickly. Me I pledge not to do any soft drinks. I am doing exercise to prepare for your return and sticking to tea and fruits. Our enemies will not succeed. 

As usual, I am reminding you about the Shiite guy whose children and followers we massacred and buried in mass graves in Kaduna. I really believe it is time to let him go. We cannot bring back the people we buried. But we can stop the injustice from carrying on. 

Send me a nice WhatsApp. Exchange pleasantries with me like you did with Yemi. Because you care about me. 

Yours always, 

Elnathan

WHAT I WILL DO IF I AM ELECTED TO OFFICE IN 2019

Dearest Buhari,

I am overjoyed at the rumours of your imminent return. When people start using your return to place bets, I know that you really are coming home soon. Darling, you remember that what is mine is yours and what is yours is mine abi? So, please don't take it the wrong way if I run for president especially now that the age has been reduced. At least it is better than risking one of those short men becoming president. Especially not the one who enjoys harassing people who write. I am sure you don't want anyone to harass me.

I am ready for your return -- the bed is made, the sheets have been changed, there is food waiting for you in the freezer. All I need is to warm it when you come. And I know you like dumame. While I wait, I am working on my presidential bid.

If they elect me in 2019, I will make a law stating that those who steal money just need to make a public vow that they will not steal again and declare that they have stopped stealing. Then perhaps make an apology. I mean the apology will not be compulsory but I will encourage them to do it. A bit like how Saraki simply agreed to stop collecting pension from Kwara State even though he is still a public officer. He is not even saying he will refund the millions he has collected illegally over the last 6 years. And people are angry. The real problem is that it is illegal. If my law is passed, no one will get angry over an issue like this. All Saraki would need to do would be to say, I have stopped. And everyone will be happy.

Now that the US has agreed to sell us millions of dollars worth of attack planes, I would advise all the communities within the Nigerian Airforce's flight path to go and declare themselves before they cause trouble for them like those people who went and made themselves get killed by the Airforce in Rann. People keep saying the army should hold someone responsible. Me I think we should hold the people responsible for not appearing on the map. I will as president make it unnecessary for the armed forces to apologise or be held responsible. I mean it already happens now, but I will make it illegal to complain about the armed forces.

Darling, I will also build a permanent Nigerian hospital in London (or any foreign country of your choosing). You know how people like complaining that you are abroad instead of treating yourself here at home? I think that once the facility abroad is a Nigerian facility, no one can complain because then you will be helping the country earn foreign exchange. Imagine earning money through our foreign hospital. In fact, I can designate the land upon which the hospital is built Nigerian embassy property, in which case anyone in that hospital is technically in Nigeria. Imagine, we can even get other African leaders to visit our Nigerian hospital in London or Germany so that they can tell their citizens that they are patronising African hospitals. Killing many birds with one big stone.

In a similar vein, I will build a Nigerian university abroad so that our children who study abroad can say that they are studying in a Nigerian university. No one will ever be able to point fingers at us elites and say that our children are abroad instead of being in Nigerian schools. It will be like the American University. We will have the Nigerian University, London, Berlin, New York, Beijing, Tokyo, New Delhi, Dubai, Paris. No one will ever be able to point fingers at you ever again.

I think I should also have a commission for politicians who want to attack writers or newspapers for writing about them. It is only fair. I want the attacks to be coordinated. Even violence should be carried out systematically. The commission will gather complaints from aggrieved politicians and allow politicians to attack together, a bit like car sharing. If two or more politicians hate an activist or writer or newspaper, they can just combine efforts instead of working at cross purposes.

I will continue next week my dear. But for now I will just remind you about the Shiite man whose children we massacred in Kaduna. It is time to release him. I look forward to welcoming you. The fura da nono is in the fridge cooling. I would have come to the airport with flowers but I know you don't really care much for flowers. Ina jiran ka maigida na.

Yours always,
Elnathan